Snuggles and Struggles

I always knew I wanted to be a mom.  I loved working with kids; I had planned on having a career working with kids.  I enjoyed growing up in a big family.  I had planned on having a successful career and a big family.

We tried for ten months to get pregnant with my son.  When I first found I was pregnant, we were so excited!  A couple weeks later, the morning sickness started.  It was horrible!  I don’t remember ever feeling that sick for such an extended amount of time.  I couldn’t understand how people go through it.  I felt horrible for the first half of my pregnancy.  I couldn’t go in the kitchen.  I couldn’t feed our dog.  I had no idea how people dealt with morning sickness when they had older kids to take care of, too.  It made very reluctant to want to get pregnant again.

My son was due on June 5th.  On June 3rd around 2 a.m.  I came back to bed from going to the bathroom.  I wondered, “Why am I peeing my pants?  I just peed.”  Then I realized it wasn’t stopping.  The water was gushing everywhere.  You know in the movies where there’s a small puddle of water?  That was not the case for me!  I woke up my husband, Dan and went to grab some towels.  There was so much water!  When we got to the hospital the nurse said she had to check to make sure my water broke.  If I hadn’t been so nervous about going into labor I might have laughed out loud.  My labor didn’t progress so they had to induce.  I asked if I could have an epidural before they gave me the Pitocin (I might have a low pain tolerance) but they said it was too early.  When the anesthesiologist did come to do my epidural he had horrible bedside manner.  I think he was stressed out that I wasn’t putting my back the right way so he yelled at me and stressed me out in the middle of my contractions.  I almost changed my mind about the epidural, but like I said, low pain tolerance.

The nurse there during my active labor was so great.  She was encouraging and helped me with my anxiety.  My labor didn’t go very well, though.  I was pushing for a long time.  I tore and I lost a lot of blood.  I was so weak and out of it that they didn’t let me nurse my son.  Dan stayed up with him the first night and fed him formula.  I felt like a failure.  My pregnancy and labor didn’t go at all how I had planned.  I felt I had already failed as the mother I wanted to be.  If anyone else has felt like this, I want to let you know you are not alone.  My stitches healed, I was able to feed my baby breast milk, and I now have a healthy two-year old.  Even though becoming a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, it has helped me grow closer in my walk with God and shown me the world through the eyes of a toddler.

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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