I have seen the verse Isaiah 6:8 a few times in the past week.  It says:

“Then I heard the Lord asking, ‘Whom should I send as a messenger to this people?  Who will go for us?’  I said, ‘Here I am.  Send me.’” NLT

I grew up in the church but I don’t remember hearing this verse before.  Maybe I did and I just forgot.  I feel there is a reason I’ve seen this verse lately but I don’t know what it is.  What does God want me to do?  Does he want Dan and me to adopt 1…2…3? Kids?  I mean Dan only agreed to adopt 1 and I’m sure I’d go (more?) crazy if I had more than 2 kids.  While I was pondering Isaiah 6:8 I was reminded of the song, Broken Things by Matthew West.  There is a part that says:

“But if it’s true You use broken things then here I am Lord, I’m all Yours.”

While listening to this song I was reminded God can use me no matter how unqualified I feel.  I feel I am not worthy enough for God to use me but really no one is worthy.  If God is calling me to do something it will happen.  Maybe not in the timeline I thought but it will happen.  Some things I know I’m called to do are:

  1. Love others
  2. Help others
  3. Love my husband
  4. Love my son

I know God wants me to love others but I often wonder what that means.  I try to be nice to everyone but I feel like I should do more than that.  This is why I feel I am called to help others because that is one way to share God’s love.  But I want to help everyone and that is obviously not possible.  Dan sometimes has to remind me I am not the only servant God has called.  I love volunteering and I want to volunteer even more but I am probably already overcommitted in this area.  I sometimes worry if I volunteer too much I won’t spend enough time with my family and I don’t want that either.

“If you want to change the world go home and love your family.”- Mother Teresa

I am obviously called to love my husband and I do or I wouldn’t have married him.  Our “honeymoon stage” was not a typical honeymoon stage and I think it helped us grow as a couple.  I had 2 ovarian cysts and had to have surgery during the first 2 months of our marriage.   Dan was great at taking care me.  He’s still great at taking care of me.  He’s a wonderful husband.  Of course, marriage can be hard sometimes.  After we had M.J. we fought more than we ever had before.  I hate fighting and confrontation so it was very stressful for me.  I have gotten better at sharing my feelings but I still need to work on it.  I also found The Love Dare to be a very good book to help with our marriage. 

I am called to love M.J., too.  I am so thankful for him.  I’m so glad God blessed us with our son.  I am trying to teach him to love God and love others.  It’s so fun watching him grow and learn new things.

There are some things I think God could be calling me to do but I’m not sure:

  1. Tell more people about my OCD and help end the stigma of mental health in the church
  2. Adopt a child

When I started writing I was thinking, what is God calling me to do?  I started thinking about being diagnosed with OCD at 29 although my intrusive thoughts probably started when I was 19 (maybe younger).  While I was learning about OCD I was scared to tell anyone about my intrusive thoughts.  I’m still not very comfortable talking about it even with my therapist.  But I feel like I should keep writing about my OCD so I can help people who may be going through similar struggles.  I also want to help end the stigma of mental health.  Mood disorders are physical disorders because your brain is a part of your body.  If others are struggling I want you to know you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.  You can’t just “pray it away.”  If someone was having a heart attack would you say, “Pray that you feel better”? Of course not!  All mental illnesses should be treated the same way.

I definitely felt God was calling us to adopt a child but now I’m not sure.  Everything was pushed back because of the Corona Virus.  I also sometimes feel like I don’t know how to parent my biological child.  I wonder if I would be able to parent an adopted child.  But I need to remember if God wants us to adopt He will make it happen.  I’m not qualified but God is. 

The main thing I need to remember is that I am called to love God and love people.  If I love God I should love people.  I might not know what else I am called to do but I know this.

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“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1st Corinthians 13:13 NIV

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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