I feel like lately I’ve been forgetting how old I am.  I’ll think to myself, I’m 25, oh wait I’m 29, no I’m 30.  I wonder if 30 is the age people start forgetting how old they are. If I’m forgetting how old I am now what will it be like when I’m 80?  Well at least I was born in 1990 so it’s easy to do the math.  Maybe this is the real reason people say, “I turned 29 again” because they have no idea how old they actually are.  I definitely don’t feel 30.  It seems like I still remember when 30 seemed old.  But I definitely feel like I’m still young.  Although I have started getting gray hair and I seem to be sore all the time so maybe I do feel old sometimes.

“My next 30 years I’m gonna settle all the scores. Cry a little less, laugh a little more. Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear. Figure out just what I’m doin’ here in my next 30 years.”- Next 30 Years by Tim McGraw

When I was younger I didn’t think this is how my life would be when I was 30.  I thought I would have lots of kids and a successful career.  I definitely did not think I would have a dog.  I didn’t think my husband would be 6 years older than me (or maybe I did, I always like mature men).  I didn’t think I would have almost died in the last year.  I didn’t think I would ever be diagnosed with OCD.  If I was writing about this a few years ago I think I would have been disappointed about where my life is now.  But I have been doing a lot of self-reflection and working on loving myself more.  I’m learning to see myself the way God sees me.  I don’t want a lot of kids anymore; being pregnant and going into labor SUCKED.  If there was another way to do it I would have signed up.  I guess we have been considering adoption but our circumstances changed a little so we decided to put it on hold for a little bit.  I sometimes feel disappointed I don’t have a successful career but it has been nice to work on writing a lot.  I randomly decided to write a poem the other day and thought, hey, this is kind of fun.  I was always kind of afraid of dogs but when I met Dan he already had Jake.  I still sometimes feel uncomfortable around other dogs but I love Jake so much.  He’s so loving and he never barks.  This poor dog puts up with all of M.J.’s shenanigans.  I really like where my life is now.  I have grown closer to God and grown closer in my marriage.  I sometimes feel guilty for seriously considering suicide.  How could I do that to Dan and M.J.?  But I remember that is why I chose to get help.  Even though I thought they would be better off without me I think deep down I knew that wasn’t true.  I’m so glad to continue to take care of myself this year.  We’ll see if I remember how old I am when I turn 31.

I love it when you kiss my face

Or hold me in a warm embrace

You are the cutest guy I know

Your love makes my heart glow

I love it when you make me laugh

And help me along on my path

You are my very best friend

I’ll be with you until the end

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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