I was looking through my swimsuits recently while packing for a trip.  A lot of them were from when Dan and I first got married.  They were all size medium which is way too small for me now.  I was feeling a little down when I realized none of the swimsuits were going to fit me.  But then I thought, I love myself a lot more now than I ever did when I was skinny.  I struggled with low self-esteem from a very young age.  I was always thin and when I started high school I thought I was fairly attractive but I didn’t like anything else about myself.  I thought if I just had a boyfriend it would help my self-esteem. 

I thought getting married would help my self-esteem.   I thought if I just had a wonderful husband I would be happy.  Of course, I was happy sometimes but I still struggled with depression and low self-esteem.  Sometimes it was even self-loathing.  I have learned recently that having a wonderful husband cannot alone improve my self-esteem.  Of course, having a good husband helps.  If your husband is a jerk that could factor into your self-esteem.  But my self-esteem did not improve until I learned to love myself.  Yes, I have many flaws but I also have many strengths.  I’m trying to acknowledge that my strengths are strengths and not belittle myself.  I am a loving, caring person who wants to help people.   I am not currently happy with my weight but I got a super cute high-waisted swimsuit to cover up my mom pooch.  I think I will probably not be able to fit into my size medium swimsuits again and I’m okay with that. 

It only took me 30 years but I have finally started to practice self-care.  I sometimes still feel guilty because I want to take care of everyone else.  I also feel it is my job to take care of my son.  It is, but most jobs are 9 to 5.  Being a mom is 24-7.  It’s hard.  Sometimes my kid is a brat.  My stress might not be helping with my chocolate addiction.  I am finally learning to love myself.  I know there are many things I can improve on but I’m going to try not to stress over things that don’t matter.  I am going to focus on positive things about myself:

  • I am attractive
  • I am a good wife
  • I am a good mom
  • I love to help and encourage people
  • I am a kind person

If you struggle with low self-esteem I encourage you to write positive things about yourself.  It can really help you to love yourself more.  God loves you.  I love you.  You are awesome.

God, please shrink my belly and legs without shrinking my boobs or butt.  Is that too much to ask?

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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