We recently went on vacation to Minnesota with my family.  We had a lot of fun even though I got confused about which day we were leaving and accidentally booked an extra day (Maybe this is why Dan normally books our vacations). 

It was cool to see some of my dad’s side of the family.   M.J. had a lot of fun playing with his cousins.  For some reason he called his baby cousins, “my babies.”  I have no idea where he got that from but it was pretty cute.  He also thought it was so cool that he got to sleep on an air mattress in the same room as Mommy and Daddy.

On the last day, I went to Goodwill with my mom and sisters-in-law.  It was huge!  There was a really big book section so of course I had to look at every book.  I found a lot of books I’d been wanting to read and I was so excited to get them at such a low price.  Now I can add them to my ever-growing book collection.

While were driving to Minnesota and back home Dan drove through all the big cities.  He is so great, he truly is my soulmate.  He drove through the big cities because he knew I didn’t want to. 

While we were having so much fun on vacation I was thinking it almost didn’t happen.  If I had gone through with committing suicide last fall I would have missed these happy memories.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I was thinking about leaving my husband and son alone.  Of course, at the time I thought they would be better off without me but that was a lie.  If you have thought your friends and family would be better off without you it’s not true.  It’s a lie!  Don’t give into the lies.  Get help if you need it.  I wish I could go back to myself last October and tell myself about the wonderful memories I’ve made with my family.  I can’t do that but I can let others know your life gets better.  Don’t end it.

While on our way back from Minnesota we heard the song Waymaker by Michael W. Smith.  There’s a part that says:

“Even when I don’t see it You’re working.  Even when I don’t feel it You’re working.  You never stop, You never stop working.”

This reminded me that even when I was feeling too depressed to even get out of bed God was working in me.  When I hated myself God still loved me.  He blessed me with a husband who helped me get help.  I still wish God would take away my OCD but I am going to think of it as my thorn in the flesh.  God has decided not to take it away so I can help other people who are going through similar struggles.  Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.  You’ll be so glad you did.

“…So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.’  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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