I have been reading the book, Fly a Little Higher by Laura Sobiech.  It is a great book where she talks about trusting God with her son’s battle with cancer.  There was a quote in there that really stuck with me.

“But he needed to see that part of loving someone meant allowing him or her to stick with you, even in the darkest of days.”

This quote reminded me of myself.  No, I don’t have cancer.  No, I am not dying.  But I have been through some pretty dark days.  Dan stuck with me through everything.  I was worried he wouldn’t and I even felt like he shouldn’t but leaving was never an option for him. 

I have often wondered how he could love me.  Even before I was feeling suicidal I would sometimes think, I’m a crappy cook, I’m a crappy housewife. I wondered how he could be okay with me as his wife.  He would often assure me that he loves me and point out some of my good qualities.  “You’re a very loving person.  You want to help everyone.  You make me a better person.”

I always knew Dan loved me but I have just now started feeling worthy of that love.  It is almost impossible to feel worthy of love if you don’t love yourself.  Often when I’m struggling I don’t want to tell other people.  I don’t want to be a burden to them.  I didn’t tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts for a long time.  When I finally told Dan I was so ashamed.  I was afraid to go to the emergency room.  I was worried they would think I was crazy.  While I was there I slept most of the time and I barely ate anything.  Dan asked someone to watch M.J. so he could come and be with me. 

I felt so selfish during this time.  I wasn’t able to take care of my son, and I felt like I shouldn’t have to put Dan through everything he was going through.  I know now that taking care of myself is not selfish.  I don’t believe in always putting yourself first but you do have to SOMETIMES put yourself first.  If I hadn’t I would either be dead or miserable and how do you think Dan and M.J. would feel about that?

I need to remember that because I love Dan so much I need to allow him to stick with me.  Even when I feel unlovable, depressed, and suicidal I need to let him stick with me.  I know he didn’t think of me as a burden during this time but I definitely felt like one.  I’m so thankful God has blessed me with my husband and my life.

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm.  But how can one be warm alone?”  Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

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Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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