This morning I was looking at a wedding picture we have in our living room. It’s of Dan and me kissing with a river in the background. I really love this picture; it reminds me of how much I love my husband. I was so blessed to find a man who loves me just the way I am.
“Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections.”-All of Me by John Legend
While I was looking at this picture I realized there was a lot we didn’t know in this picture. We were not kids when we got married. I was 25 and Dan was 31. But I’m sure we didn’t think about all the things that were going to happen in our first 5 years of marriage.
I definitely didn’t think I would have two ovarian cysts in our first two months of marriage. One was on our honeymoon so we had a lot of fun going to the emergency room and not having lots of sex. I’m guessing on normal honeymoons couples have lots of sex. I don’t know, I’ve never been on a normal honeymoon. We really loved Maui, though. It will be so exciting to go there again once we’ve saved up a million dollars! Exaggerating (a little).
I’m guessing Dan didn’t think I would come very close to ending my life. I certainly didn’t think that. I’m sure neither of us thought I would be diagnosed with OCD. As I have mentioned, I am not always the most organized person.
“If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.”- Unknown
I didn’t think Dan would change his mind about adopting. I didn’t think I would be the one who would start having cold feet about adoption. I want to help everyone but am I qualified to adopt a child? Am I qualified to parent a child who’s been through trauma? I often feel like I don’t know how to parent my child who hasn’t been through trauma.
I’m sure Dan didn’t think his 150 pound wife would weigh 210 pounds in 5 years. Not that he cares; he’s not a shallow jerk. I love myself but when I realized I weigh more now than I did at the end of my pregnancy with M.J. I thought I should try to get healthier. Especially because I am not pregnant right now. I was telling my therapist it’s not fair that my brothers can still eat whatever they want and all 4 of them are still skinny. She said it will catch up with them eventually, it just catches up with women sooner. I was talking about this with Dan but I said, “but some people it never catches up with, why can’t I be one of those people?.” I have decided to try to start eating healthier and working out. It is not fun. I am very out of shape. I was doing a warm-up this morning and it was pretty difficult for me. I thought, you know you’re out of shape when you can’t even handle the warm-up.
I’m sure I didn’t think in the picture that I would ever learn to love myself. I used to think it was prideful to love myself but it isn’t. God loves us and wants us to love others but He also wants us to love ourselves. I am learning to see myself the way God sees me. I have decided to start working out and (trying) to eat healthier not because I hate myself but because I love myself. I want to be healthier so I can have more energy to play with my son. I love myself the way I am and I know my antidepressant might make it hard for me to lose weight but that is not my main goal. My main goal is to be healthier while still enjoying life.
“I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat abusively for 40 years. And suddenly I’m fat? That doesn’t seem fair.”- Jim Gaffigan