This morning I was listening to the song, Do What You Want To by Vertical worship.  I was thinking, can I change the words?  Do what you want to as long as it’s what I want, too.  I love to see you move but could that please not require any pain or suffering from me?

“God we long to see you move.  Do what you want to.  Do what you want to.”

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt this way.  When I was struggling very badly with my intrusive thoughts I wondered why God was letting me go through it.  I prayed and asked Him to strike me dead so I wouldn’t hurt anyone.  And because I just wanted the pain to stop.  At that time, I really thought that’s what God should do.   Now that I have gone through that horrible time I’m so glad that God had a bigger plan.  It wasn’t my time to go.  I still have so much more work here on earth.  I hope I am able to help other people who are struggling with various mood disorders.  Please, don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

“You take what the enemy meant for evil and You turn it for good.  You turn it for good.”- See a Victory by Elevation Worship

Even though, I’m glad God didn’t do what I wanted at that time I still struggle when things don’t go my way.   I know God has a bigger plan but I want what I want and I want it right now.  Oh no!  That might be where my toddler gets it from!  But I think all of us act like toddlers sometimes.  I know I do.  I want to eat as much chocolate as I want without getting a stomachache and without getting fat.  Is that possible?  Of course not!  Even before my metabolism slowed down I would have still gotten a stomachache. 

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.  In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”- Isaiah 61:3 NLT

Obviously there are consequences for our actions but sometimes we may be struggling for what seems like no reason.  I asked God, if You have the ability to take my intrusive thoughts away why don’t You? Thankfully, I have medication that helps lessen the thoughts but who wants to take medication for the rest of their life?  Last year was the hardest year of my life.  I wish it hadn’t happened but there are so many good things that came from the bad.  My marriage has grown stronger: I appreciate my husband’s love more and I (try) to be more honest with him about my feelings.  I enjoy the little things we do together just because we’re together.  I have found it so much easier to find joy in the little things.  I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD but I can find so much joy just looking at flowery weeds and thinking about how beautiful they are.  I have always loved to watch the sunset.  The other day Dan drove home right after work so he could watch it with me.  It was so beautiful to watch it from our yard.  I was so happy Dan drove home to watch it with me.  He knows my love languages: quality time and sunsets.  Remember, God has a plan, it might not always feel like it but He does.  Also here’s my awesome Haiku:

Sunsets are the best

They are so lovely to watch

Sunsets are awesome

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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