I have been reading the book, The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson.  It’s probably not a book I would normally read but Dan recommended it to me and it is quite interesting.  Although it is the start of a trilogy and all three of the books are about 1200 pages!  I am a fairly quick reader but that’s a commitment!  Anyway, there was a part of the book that really spoke to me:

“’There are worse things to be than a disease,’ she said, idly thoughtful.  ‘When you have one, it reminds you that you’re alive.  Makes you fight for what you have.  When the disease has run its course, normal healthy life seems wonderful by comparison.’” Pg. 629

I found this very intriguing.  It reminded me how much easier it is for me to enjoy things I once took for granted.  I have always loved watching the sunset but lately it just warms me down to my soul.  I am so thankful God allowed me to live longer that I had been planning.  He has given me the gift of many more sunsets.  And apparently made me more emotional (I’m not crying).  Unfortunately, depression and OCD do not go away but there are good times and bad times.

Lately, I’ve had mostly good times and I am so thankful for that.  I have not had very many intrusive thoughts and I think getting outside often helps a lot with my depression.  I am also very thankful to be alive.  M.J. and I were playing in the sprinkler today and it was so much fun.  It is so exciting to see him get so excited about water.  The other day Dan was spraying him with the hose and he loved it so much.  It’s amazing to me that M.J. can get so excited about things that seem so trivial.  Three is a hard age to parent.  Kids seem to really like to test boundaries.  But I also think it is such a wonderful age.  He’s learning so many new things so quickly and he gets so excited about little things.  He tells toddler “jokes” to make us laugh.  Three year old humor is weird but cute.  One of his favorite things to say is, “Hi Mommy, you’re Daddy.”  Or “Hi Daddy, you’re Mommy.”  I don’t understand this humor but he finds it hilarious.

We sang the song, Raise a hallelujah by Bethel Music in church this morning and there was a part in there I really liked:

“I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm.  Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar.”

It reminded me that even when I am going through tough times, God is always with me.  Even when I hated myself enough to seriously consider ending my life God was with me.  Of course, when I was extremely suicidal I was not singing in the storm.  But now, I find even more encouragement in worship music than I used to.  I feel like I am often reminded of the work God is doing in my life.  He allowed me to go through a terrible time in my life so I could help others going through similar situations.  He shows Himself to me every day through all the joy I see around me.  I am so thankful to be alive.

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Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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