I have been going through the Bible Study, Mom Set Free by Jeannie Cunnion.  There was a part I read today that really resonated with me.

“If you don’t feel whole, or if you don’t feel like God has glued all your pieces back together so that no cracks remain, don’t lose hope.  It doesn’t mean God’s not at work in your life.  He is indeed at work, wooing you to Himself and crafting you in His likeness.  He will make good on His promise of wholeness when sin is wiped out for good.  In the meantime, His love and light inside you can shine through your cracks, to the glory of His grace.” Pg. 81

This was very encouraging to me; I often feel broken in many different ways.  How could God use me?  I struggle with so many different things.  OCD and depression being the main things.  But I also care too much what people think of me, I worry I’m not a good mom,  I worry I’m not a good wife.  I have gotten a lot better at dealing with my negativity.  I try to accept compliments people give me.  Especially my husband.  When he says “thanks for taking such good care of the house” he means it.  Even if I feel like I suck at it that is not his perspective.  A lot of people (especially women and moms) are way too hard on themselves.  Everyone is broken.  Everyone has flaws.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t accept compliments people give you.  Unless they’re Regina George from Mean Girls their compliment is probably sincere.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about how I could use my OCD for good.  I have been trying to make people more aware but talking about OCD is very difficult.  Talking about my specific intrusive thoughts is hard for me to do even with my therapist.  So of course I don’t really want to tell the whole world about them.  Even when I have given examples of intrusive thoughts in previous posts I’m worried people are thinking, does she think about that? When they see me.  Oh yeah, I guess I might still care too much what people think of me. 

I wonder how could God use me?  How could I make a difference?  I’m just an average Stay-at-Home Mom who seriously considered suicide at one point.  How could God use someone so broken?  However; I am reminded that we are all broken.  I don’t like having OCD but the diagnosis has helped me realize I have a disorder and I am not a crazy, horrible person.  Getting help when I was suicidal has helped me help others who may be struggling with similar things.  I don’t want anyone to ever feel as horrible as I was.  If you are feeling depressed or struggling with any other mood disorder please get help.  Even if you are not feeling depressed to the point of suicide get help before it gets that far.  You do not need to be embarrassed or ashamed.  Mental health is physical health and it is so important to take care of yourself.  You are not alone.  Please get help if you need it.

“Now I’m just a beggar in the presence of a King.  I wish I could bring so much more.  But if it’s true You use broken things, then here I am Lord, I’m all Yours.”- Broken Things by Matthew West

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Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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