Forgiveness. Does anyone have trouble with this? No? Okay, me either.
I often find it hard to forgive people who have hurt me. I find it even harder to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made in the past. Or the mistakes I make every day.
I often find it hard to forget about bad things that have happened or mistakes I have made. I think partly because of Anxiety or OCD. I will sometimes obsess over things that have happened in my past. I will think: Why did I let that guy treat me that way? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? I should have done this instead. I shouldn’t have done this. Does anyone else obsess over mistakes they have made in their past? Or wonder how anyone could ever love them? Nope? Just me? Okay. I will get mad at myself for letting people treat me poorly. Of course, I believe it is important to be nice to everyone but that doesn’t mean you have to let people treat you like garbage.
“Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior. Forgiveness keeps their behavior from destroying your heart.” -Unknown
I will also wonder, how could I forgive these people? How could I forget how these people hurt me? Some things are not possible to forget. Although, now that I’m a mom a lot of things (like what things are called) seem pretty easy for me to forget. Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget, it means you don’t let the past effect you anymore. It took me a long time to forgive people who have hurt me. But when I did, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I think, because I have OCD, I will sometimes still obsess over things from the past but I realize they are not important.
I know I am a lovable person and I have finally learned to love myself. I don’t know if it is possible to love yourself if you do not forgive others and yourself. Although, I still find it hard to give myself grace with parenting. M.J. has been sooooooooooooooooo clingy lately and I just want some time to myself. Yesterday, he sat on my lap two of the times I went to the bathroom. Definitely a 10 on the clinginess meter if you were wondering. I love him but I am feeling guilty for wanting some space. I know it’s illogical, no one wants a 3 year old on them 24-7 but it is something I struggle with. Probably something most moms struggle with. Am I good mom? And really most moms are. I am going to try hard to give myself (and others) some grace.
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32 NLT