I recently watched the live action Aladdin movie and I really liked it.  There was one song in there that I especially liked.  This song isn’t in the original cartoon Aladdin so I’m sorry to all you Disney sticklers.

“I won’t be silenced. You can’t keep me quiet.  Won’t tremble when you try it.  All I know is I won’t go speechless.  ‘Cause I’ll breathe when they try to suffocate me.  Don’t you underestimate me ‘cause I know that I won’t go speechless.”- Speechless by Naomi Scott

For some reason this song reminded me of my struggle with OCD.  When I started struggling with intrusive thoughts I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t understand what was happening.  I was like I don’t want to think these things I am thinking but I must because I’m thinking them.  I stayed silent about them for a long time.  I thought if I told anyone they would think I was a horrible person.  I felt like I was a horrible person.  But I was also very confused because I have always been a kind and helpful person.  I was like, I think I am a good person but maybe I am secretly not.  These are also common thoughts people who struggle with OCD have.

Everyone has different things they struggle with.  I was silent about my intrusive thoughts for so long.  When I finally was diagnosed with OCD I still didn’t want to tell anyone.  It is still very difficult for me to talk about my intrusive thoughts.  But I have decided to be more open about having OCD and giving people examples of taboo intrusive thoughts because I’m sure there are other people who struggle with intrusive thoughts.  I don’t want anyone else to go as long as I did without getting help.  If you are struggling with intrusive thoughts there is nothing wrong with you.  It’s no different than struggling with any other chronic illness.  Don’t be afraid to get help.

“Try to lock me in this cage.  I won’t just lay me down and die.  I will take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky.” – Speechless by Naomi Scott

This part of the song reminded me of when I was seriously considering suicide.  I was afraid I was going to hurt someone and I needed to kill myself before I did.  I finally worked up the courage to tell Dan I was considering suicide and he took me to the emergency room.  He said, “You’re very brave for telling me.”  I said, “That’s not what it feels like to me.”  But I understand now that I was so brave for getting help.  If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide do not be afraid to get help.  I’m so thankful God knew I wasn’t done on this Earth yet.  I believe I have gone through these struggles so I can help people going through similar things.  I made the decision to fight and not give up.  You can, too.

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Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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