I recently read The Five Love Languages of Children.  There was a part in there that made me think of my childhood.  I even talked about this in one of my social work classes in college.  We had to talk about a bad memory from our childhood and it was the only one I could remember.  I was blessed with a good childhood.

“Such learning-related anxiety often appears among children who are moving from the third to the fourth grade.  This grade step usually involves a change in the content and methods of teaching.” P.151

I had never heard this before.  I was like, oh my goodness!  This might have been one reason why fourth grade was hard for me.  It also could have been because I was homeschooled until second grade and started school in third grade.  So in fourth grade public school was still relatively new to me.   I remember my main teacher being pretty nice but for one class I would have another teacher and if I’m being honest she kind of scared me.  I might have mentioned I was a sensitive kid.  Well, I’m still a sensitive person.  I’m also a people pleaser so I don’t like letting people down.  In fourth grade I tried to be a fairly good student but I failed a test in this particular class.  My teacher wrote Did you study? On the test.  I cried because I failed the test and also because it hurt my feelings that she thought I didn’t study.  Since I was crying my teacher said, “why are you being such a baby?!”  I was ten years old!  I know that is technically a little old to cry when you fail a test but I would never say that to a kid.  It was possible she was just having a bad day or she thought I was a bad student.  I may have kind of been a bad student in her class because it seemed to give me anxiety.  I had to get a parent signature on the test because I had failed it.  My mom signed it and wrote my teacher a note that I study very hard for my tests.  My teacher said, “Did you maybe not study as hard for this test?”  I think I nodded because I figured that was what she wanted me to do.

When I read this chapter on learning and learning-related anxiety I immediately thought of this.  I had thought before, why do I still remember this? Why do I care?  Why am I so sensitive? I told Dan about it and when I said my teacher called me a baby he was like “Your teacher said that to you?  Some people are in the wrong profession.”  And it made me feel like maybe I wasn’t crazy.  I was thinking it was around this age that my depression and anxiety started.  It definitely got worse when I got older and I’m pretty sure my intrusive thoughts didn’t start until I was older.

I’m not saying my teacher is the cause of my anxiety but I just want to remind people that words have power.  It’s been twenty years and I’m sure she forgot what she said to me a long time ago.  I’m sure she’s not a bad person although, I do kind of agree with Dan that teaching was not the right profession for her.  Although, a lot of her students loved her so maybe our personalities just clashed.  However, when I was reading about learning-related anxiety in this book I realized it was okay to be sad I failed my test.  Everyone fails sometimes.  Failing does not make you a failure.  And I guess I’m pretty blessed if that is the worst memory I can think of from my childhood.

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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