I often have anxiety when I go to the doctor.  Before we had M.J., Dan came to pretty much all my doctor’s appointments with me.  Of course, that is not really possible anymore.  I hate needles and shots and I am not good at advocating for myself.

I’ve had neck pain for a long time and all of the doctors I’ve told have seemed to kind of blow me off.  I feel like they think I’m a hypochondriac.  Then I worry, What if I am a hypochondriac?  I know my neck hurts, but maybe it’s not as bad as I’m thinking.  Then I feel like I shouldn’t tell any other doctors because it doesn’t seem like a big deal.  I’ve been trying to ignore the pain but it seems to be getting worse.  It makes it hard for me to play with M.J. because he always wants to run and dance.  That makes my neck hurt more and also causes headaches.

The doctors have given me cream to use and stretches to do.  They also told me to take more Advil which I didn’t really want to do.  Then I finally got an x-ray and did physical therapy but it didn’t really seem to help very much.  I really want to figure out why my neck is hurting and be able to go from there.  When it is difficult to play with my son I feel like a bad mom and it causes me to be depressed.  Of course, I still play with him but I want to be able to play with him better.

I recently had another doctor’s appointment and she said I should do stretches and maybe physical therapy again.  She also said she’d refer me to a massage muscle manipulator person (I don’t remember what it was called).  I told her the stretches and physical therapy didn’t work but she said, “But, you just told me you didn’t really do the stretches.”  Oops.  So I’m going to try to actually do the stretches every day.  It is hard.  They take a long time and I have a house to clean, a kid to play with, etc., etc., etc.

The doctor also said I should make sure I am hydrated.  I told Dan I feel like I drink a lot of water but I never feel hydrated.  So, I tracked my water intake and I had drank 136 ounces of water by noon.  I told Dan and he looked up how much water I should drink and told me I was drinking way too much.  I was like, “But, I’m thirsty, aren’t you supposed to drink when you’re thirsty?”  Then I was worried I might have diabetes and I stupidly looked up the symptoms.  I was like, “I have almost all of these.”  So now I’m a little worried I might have diabetes but there’s no history of it in my family so I feel like it is unlikely.  Then I’m wondering if this is a part of my OCD.  I feel like I am irrationally worried about having diabetes so maybe it’s like an intrusive thought or worry.  Since I have been diagnosed with OCD it has cause me to wonder if other things are symptoms of my OCD.  I will not eat expired food or food that I think maybe, possibly, could have gone bad.  I thought that was just part of my personality but now I wonder if it is a part of OCD.  I’m thankful I have a diagnosis for my scary intrusive thoughts but I often wonder if other things I do are a part of my OCD.  I guess this is just a look inside my mind.  I hope you found it entertaining.

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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