The sermon on Sunday was talking about having heart issues.  The four main things people struggle with are guilt, anger, greed, and jealousy.  I obviously struggle with guilt.  When anger was mentioned I thought I don’t have a big problem with that.  I mean obviously I get angry sometimes but I don’t get angry easily unless I’m hungry or trying to play video games (I don’t play video games).  When greed was mentioned I thought I was pretty sure I don’t have a problem with that.  Do I?  I don’t think so, I don’t know.  Then of course was jealousy; I definitely have a problem with that.

I was feeling a little convicted (and of course, guilty) when he said jealousy is saying God owes me.  God doesn’t owe me anything.  He sent his son to die on the cross in my place.  And I am very blessed.  I have always struggled with jealousy but I think I have not struggled as much since my self-esteem started improving.  I will often be jealous of others because they seem to have so many more talents than me.  I will wonder, why do these people have 20 things they’re good at and I have like 0 to 2 things I’m good at.  That could be one reason why I was struggling so much when I became a mom.  I was struggling to find a job I liked so I thought let’s have a kid.  I know I will be a good mom.  Then of course, I often felt like a horrible mom.  I couldn’t nurse my kid, I got mad at my baby, and felt like a horrible mother.  My son started sleeping through the night at a young age but I still felt so tired all the time.  I felt like being a mom was another thing I had failed at.  I know that’s very silly.  The newborn stage was very hard for me (one of the million reasons I’m reluctant to have another child) but that doesn’t mean I am a bad mother.  It means I am a normal human being who is too hard on herself sometimes. 

Because I have been working on my self-esteem it has helped with my jealousy issue a little bit.  I also know nothing good comes from being jealous of others.  I have had many different jealous thoughts: why can’t I sing like her? Why am I not as creative as him?  Why am I not that skinny?  Why is that person so outgoing and I’m so awkward?  Everyone likes this person, does everyone like me?  Instead of thinking why can’t I be like them?  Be happy for them.  And remember everything you have been blessed with.  I have been blessed with a God, a therapist, friends, and a husband who have helped me improve my self-esteem.  I still struggle with jealousy sometimes but it have definitely improved since I started to love myself more.  Nothing good comes from jealousy.  Remember your blessings.

“And that’s when I realized making fun of Caroline Krafft wouldn’t stop her from beating me in this contest… Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George’s life definitely didn’t make me any happier.”- Mean Girls

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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