A few days ago Dan, M.J., and I went to visit some of M.J.’s cousins.  The youngest one is about 6 or 7 months.  He really liked Dan.  Dan was having a lot of fun playing with him and making faces at him.  I loved watching Dan with him.  It made me have a little bit of baby fever.  I was thinking, maybe I do want a baby.  But then I was thinking I really don’t want to be pregnant again and adopting a baby can take a very long time.  I also still really don’t want to do the newborn stage again.   M.J. also had a lot of fun playing with his other cousins and I know he would love having a sibling.  Although, if he had a sibling I would have to deal with the fighting so… I don’t know.

“When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.” Romans 12:13 NLT

Last night, one of my brothers, his wife, and their two kids spent the night here.  Another one of my brothers is living with us right now so we were all eating breakfast together.  I said, “It’s really cool having so many people over for breakfast, we should do this more often.”  I was thinking later, it would be cool to have a house full of foster kids.  Of course, I am obviously romanticizing this idea.  I told Dan later it would be fun to have a big family that I was only responsible for half of the time.  I would like a nanny to come with my big family.  While thinking about this, I was wondering if it is possible to practice too much hospitality.  I know the Bible says to practice hospitality and Dan knows I always want to help people but I might go a little overboard sometimes.  I have told Dan multiple times we need to add onto our house so we can take everyone in.  I have no idea how much it would cost to add three more bedrooms onto our house but I know it would be expensive.  Right now we only have three bedrooms and that’s not enough especially if we have another kid.  There’s no room for people to live in our basement and there aren’t technically legal bedrooms down there either.

If I was only thinking emotionally I would say, yes, I want to adopt five more kids.  But, of course it’s a very serious decision so I have to be more logical about it.  I love M.J. so much but being a mom is harder than I ever thought it would be.  Can I parent kids who have been through trauma?  I don’t know.  Also, our house would only be approved for one (maybe two) more kid(s).  I have also had mental health struggles that make me wonder if I am capable of parenting more kids.  I am doing very well right now with therapy and medication but I sometimes worry I can’t handle more than one kid.   What if the stress and lack of sleep from having more kids makes my depression and OCD worse?  What if I become suicidal again?  Am I capable of parenting more children?  However; when I think these things I also think Satan is trying to tell me I’m not capable.  I wonder if these doubts are because Satan doesn’t want me to adopt.  I felt like God was calling us to adopt, but now I’m not sure.  I’m so afraid of messing up my kids.  I know I need to trust God with my parenting but I often doubt myself.  I also know that being adopted by a loving family would be better than the child going through many different foster homes throughout their lifetime.  However; I don’t know if I can adopt so I came up with the new idea of adding onto our house to take families in.  I really have a heart to help people but I am wondering if there is such a thing as too much hospitality.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”- John 13:34-35 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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