I found the sermon in church this morning very interesting. It was talking about when we feel like God is silent in our life. I felt like God was silent in my life when I was struggling with OCD and suicidal thoughts. I wondered why God didn’t take my intrusive thoughts away. I wondered if I even had a relationship with God. If I did why would I be struggling with these horrible thoughts? I wondered why God didn’t “strike me dead” because I was too afraid to kill myself. I felt that I didn’t deserve to live and I assumed God would think the same thing. This was an extremely hard time in my life. It is still very hard to struggle with scary intrusive thoughts.
However; I am so glad God decided to let me live. He knew I had many more things to do on this Earth. I still wish he would take my intrusive thoughts away (they have been lessened with medication and dealt with in therapy) but I am trying to use my struggles to help others. It is very hard for me to talk about my intrusive thoughts. I mostly give examples of common intrusive thoughts because I worry if I say what mine are people will judge me. But I want to remind other people who are struggling with various mood disorders you are not alone. Get help before you are suicidal. You don’t need to have a breakdown to take care of your mental health. Sadly, some people wait until it gets that bad and some people never get help. Mental health is physical health. Your brain is a part of your body. Self-care is not selfish, it is essential. Community care is also essential. Most people who are suicidal find it very difficult to do even basic self-care. If someone you know is struggling try to help them if you can. I’m so thankful Dan brought me to the emergency room. Even though I felt like a crazy lady (and honestly I still do sometimes) they got me the helped I needed. I learned I am not a bad person; I have OCD. Get help if you need it. Help others if they need it.
“There’s power in the mighty name of Jesus, every war He wages He will win. I’m not backing down from any giant, I know how this story ends.”- See a Victory by Elevation Worship
I am so glad I’m alive because I want to help everyone I can. I have heard many times to not be afraid to do what God has called you to do but how do I know what that is? I want to help everyone. I want to adopt kids, take everyone in, start 5 or 6 nonprofits, stop world hunger… You get the idea. I have been struggling with knowing if God is calling us to adopt or not. I know M.J. would love to have a sibling but when I think about everything I want to do I think it would be easier to only have one kid. I recently had an idea to start a homeless shelter that houses families. I feel like there is probably a need for more homeless shelters; especially ones that house families together. But I have no idea how to start a homeless shelter. How do I get the money for the land? Can I find people who will volunteer to build the shelter for me? How do I get volunteers once the shelter is started? How do I figure out all the laws and codes for having a homeless shelter? I was talking about this with Dan and he said, “Well, if it was easy there would probably be a lot more homeless shelters.” I guess this is true. When I asked him, “How do I know what God is calling me to do?” he reminded me of another part of this sermon this morning. I just have to be quiet and listen, maybe God will tell me what he wants me do. I know he wants me to help people but that is very broad and I (sadly) can’t help every single person in the world.