M.J. has started this new game where he pretends to shoot spiders with his “bubble gun”.  By the way, if you don’t buy your kids toy guns they will apparently make one out of blocks.  Anyway, while we were getting the spiders this morning I felt inspired to write a poem:

There are spiders all over my face

Will I ever get out of this place?

I don’t want the spiders to win

I just have to begin

The fight

I will kill the spiders

By the end of the night

Clearly these are metaphorical spiders.  Dan asked me what it meant for me and I said, “I don’t know anxiety, I guess.”  I think my main spiders would be anxiety, depression, OCD, and fear of failure.  But I know I can fight the spiders.  I am taking medication.  I am going to therapy.  I am trying to do things outside of my comfort zone.  I am also trying to trust God that He will show me what He is calling me to do.  I don’t feel qualified to adopt a child or start a homeless shelter but if God wants me to do it He will make it happen.  It is possible I could fail a few times before it works and that scares me so much.  I am so afraid of failure that I often don’t try new things.  I have anxiety if I try to cook something I haven’t cooked before.  I know this is silly, you have to cook something a first time for there to be a second time.  I am trying to remember it is okay to fail.  Fear of failure is not a good reason not to try.  So many successful people failed at their first, second, third tries.  Just typing that made me scared but I know failing doesn’t make me a failure.   I hope I am successful the first time but if I’m not I will not stop trying.

What are your spiders?  They could be similar to mine; maybe you are struggling with intrusive thoughts, depression, or anxiety.  Maybe you have an addiction you are struggling with.   Maybe you are going through a messy divorce or break-up.  Maybe you are struggling financially.  Maybe you are struggling with self-loathing.  Maybe you are struggling with suicidal ideation.  Maybe you are struggling to take care of a high-needs child. Maybe you are struggling with your faith.  Maybe you are struggling with grief.  No matter what your spiders are you can fight them.  There is help.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Remember it’s okay to not be okay but don’t let yourself stay that way forever.  Remember you can fight the spiders.

“What is the price of five sparrows- two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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