The monster in your brain

Causes so much pain

The monster’s not you

It’s kind of like the flu

Except it may not go away

Your monster could be here to stay

It can be shrunk in size

Therapy saves so many lives

Medication need not cause shame

It can help so much with the pain

You can have a breakthrough

The monster can be almost invisible to you

M.J. was pretending to be a monster and it encouraged me to write this poem.  I was reminded about when I was in the partial hospitalization program.  One of the therapists said they had a person who referred to her depression as her monster.  I really like this analogy.  My depression is not me.  My anxiety is not me.  My OCD is not me.  It is a monster that I am constantly fighting.  Right now I am doing very well.  My medication has helped lessen my intrusive thoughts a lot.  My therapist has helped me realize I’m not a bad person.  I have finally began to accept that my intrusive thoughts do not make me a bad person.  No one wants intrusive thoughts.  No one chooses intrusive thoughts. 

OCD often plays off of your worst fear.  It is very scary.  No one likes having OCD, it’s not a cute little personality quirk.  It’s not just being a little organized or liking cleaning.  It is extremely distressing.  And intrusive thoughts are still very misunderstood which is one reason why I am still so afraid to talk about them.  Also, because I don’t want these thoughts but I wonder why would I have them if I don’t want them?  This is a very common symptom of OCD. 

I would still be okay with God healing my OCD and I believe He can but He has chosen not to.  If you pray for God to heal you and He doesn’t this doesn’t mean you don’t have enough faith.  It could mean that He wants to use you in some way.  God has been using me to spread OCD awareness.  I want people to realize it is not just about handwashing or cleaning.   I want people to get help if they need it.  I wish I had gotten help before I was suicidal.  Well, I guess I technically did but I was too afraid to tell my therapist about my intrusive thoughts.

Medication helps a lot with intrusive thoughts.  I have talked a lot about my therapist but not very much about my psychiatrist.  I don’t feel very embarrassed talking about go to therapy.  I feel a lot more embarrassed telling people I go to a psychiatrist.  I’m worried people will think I’m crazy.  Sometimes I’m worried I actually am crazy.  But medication is so helpful for many different mood disorders.  In my opinion, therapy helps more with general anxiety and depression but medication helps more with intrusive thoughts.  I know it’s silly to be ashamed to take medication.  I don’t feel bad about taking Advil for my neck pain or cold medicine when I have a cold.  You don’t need to be embarrassed to take medication for mental illness.  Your brain is a part of your body.  A chemical imbalance in your brain can be changed with medication.  Of course, it is possible for many people to function without medication but I am not one of those people right now and I accept that.  Don’t be afraid to ask for medication if you need it.  But, please also go to therapy.  Medication has been very helpful to lessen my intrusive thoughts but my therapist has helped so much with my depression and my low self-esteem.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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