Having OCD is not fun.  No one likes having OCD.  OCD is not a love of cleaning.  It is having scary intrusive thoughts and being afraid you might act on them.  It is being afraid you will hurt someone.  It is being afraid you will contaminate someone.  It is being afraid you will cheat on your partner.  It is being afraid you will kill yourself.  It is being afraid you’re a bad person.  It is being afraid you’re a hypochondriac.  It is being afraid you have already acted on these thoughts and forgot about them.  It is obsessing over past events and wondering if they really happened. It is obsessing over past mistakes and thinking maybe you really are a bad person.  It is obsessing over conversations and hoping you didn’t offend anyone.  OCD is not an adjective.  It is not a personality quirk.  It can be very difficult to live with.  The few people I’ve told about my intrusive thoughts have told me I’m not a bad person but sometimes I think they’re just saying that because they don’t want to hurt my feelings.  I know this is ridiculous if they really thought I was a bad person they probably wouldn’t care about hurting my feelings. 

I am having a difficult night tonight.  Dan had to work overnight and I hate sleeping alone.  But tonight I am feeling like he deserves someone better.  He deserves someone who doesn’t struggle with intrusive thoughts.  He deserves someone who isn’t crazy.  He deserves someone who loves him so much.  And guess what, I do love him very much so I need to stop telling myself I don’t deserve him.  He doesn’t care that I have OCD.   He doesn’t think I’m crazy.  He does think I’m a good person.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful, understanding husband.  The other night I told him I was paranoid that I was going to get sick because my toothbrush is in the bathroom so it probably has poop germs on it so I need to move it to the kitchen.  I knew it was ridiculous, but he didn’t judge me and he tried to help me through it.  I didn’t move my toothbrush to the kitchen and I didn’t get sick.  Well, not the kind of sick you would get from poop germs at least.

I am so thankful for Dan.  Ever since we started dating he has been there for me.  He has helped me through my journey with depression.  He helped me when I was suicidal.  He has always been there for me.  I am so thankful God has blessed me with a wonderful husband.

If you are struggling with OCD, it’s okay.  You are not a bad person.  If you are struggling with depression it’s okay.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  If you are struggle with anxiety it’s okay.  You have a disorder.  People don’t judge people for having a broken leg so it is ridiculous to judge people for having mood disorders.  If you are struggling don’t be afraid to get help.  Find different things that will help you.  Obviously, medication and therapy are very useful tools.  But find other things that can help you cope as well.  I like writing.  Just writing this has helped me feel a lot better.  I also love going for walks outside.  A lot of people like coloring.  Doing stretches or exercising can be helpful.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You will be glad you did.

OCD is not a personality quirk

It’s wondering if you are subconsciously a jerk

It’s not just about hating the mess

It’s wondering if your thoughts should be confessed

OCD is not an adjective

It’s wondering if you deserve to live

It’s obsessing over scary thoughts

And wondering if the fight is lost

The fight is not lost

There are good and bad days

You can win, just try to be brave

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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