“On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.  It’s October 3rd.”- Mean Girls

The other day when I realized it was October I was remembering last October and November when I was feeling so horrible.  I think it was the hardest time in my life.  I remember around Halloween I had seriously been thinking about suicide.  I think it was November when I finally told Dan and asked him to take me to the emergency room.

I had found a book on intrusive thoughts that helped me understand what I was going through but it also said in the book that intrusive thoughts are extremely misunderstood.  It said a lot of therapists don’t even understand them so I was afraid to tell anyone at the emergency room.  I kind of told them but I wasn’t specific enough for them to understand what I meant.   The therapist at the hospital asked if I wanted to die and I said no, I just feel like I don’t deserve to live.  She decided it was okay for me to go home as long as I agreed to do a partial hospitalization program.  At this program I was diagnosed with OCD but it was all group therapy so I was still afraid to talk about my intrusive thoughts.  Honestly, I still don’t even like talking about them even with my therapist.

“The enemy can’t take what I have.  Change who I am.  I belong to You.”- Belong to You by Iron Bell Music

It wasn’t until after the hospitalization program that I was able to accept that I’m not a bad person, I have OCD.  Of course, I still doubt myself.  I will think, do I really have OCD?  Am I just using this as an excuse?  Maybe I want these horrible intrusive thoughts.  No, I don’t want them.  But, why do I have them?  I have learned these are all typical symptoms of OCD.  Because OCD is still very misunderstood it is hard for me to talk about.  I am afraid to tell people about my intrusive thoughts because maybe they will think I’m a bad person.  And because there are so many Bible verses about controlling your thoughts I felt like a horrible Christian because I couldn’t make my intrusive thoughts go away.  When you try to make intrusive thoughts go away it makes them worse.  I have learned intrusive thoughts are not a sin.  People don’t choose to have these sexual, violent, blasphemous thoughts.  No-one wants these thoughts.  They really suck.  That’s the biggest understatement ever.  They made me feel like a horrible person.  They made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live.  They made me think Dan and M.J. would be better off without me.  These are all LIES.  If you struggle with intrusive thoughts you are not a bad person and people would not be better off without you.  If you are feeling suicidal don’t be afraid to get help.  I’m so glad I did.

Last night, we had our family over for a bonfire.  It was so fun to watch all the kids run around playing.  To eat food and talk (or listen to my brothers argue) around the fire.  I am so glad I was around to see M.J. playing with his cousins.  I’m so glad God decided I needed more time on this Earth.  I loved watching Dan make the fire.  It was so fun to host our family together. 

Earlier, I felt guilty because M.J. yelled at me and then I yelled at him to go to his room.  I was thinking, I just sent him to his room for yelling at me but I yelled at him.  But then I realized at least I am here.  He’s gets to have his mom while he grows up.  I get to watch him grow up.  I’m so glad I didn’t end my life.  If you are thinking about suicide I want to tell you it gets better.  There is therapy and medication to help with whatever you are going through.  It may feel like ending your life is the only way to stop the pain but it’s not.  Get help if you need it.  You’ll be glad you did.

There’s a big wave coming

You don’t have to be running

Move with the wind

You will have to begin

You can ride the wave

And make it try to behave

The wave is here to stay

But you will be okay

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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