The sermon this morning was about finding Jesus in the storm. I found it encouraging that God is always with me through my trials. Through many of my trials I have drifted from God and been mad at Him.
When I wasn’t able to keep go to college in Texas I was pretty upset. Then, I would feel guilty because so many people have many worse problems than I do. I also felt like a bad Christian for being mad at God and started to doubt my faith a little bit.
After Dan and I had M.J. we started trying to go to church every Sunday again. I was reminded that God loves me no matter what. I realized I didn’t need to be mad at Him anymore. If I had stayed in Texas I probably wouldn’t have married Dan and we wouldn’t have had M.J. Even though I wished I could have stayed in Texas longer living there for a year was a great experience for me.
“I know breakthrough is coming. By faith I see a miracle. My God made me a promise and it won’t stop now.”- Won’t Stop Now by Elevation Worship
I went through a horrible storm last October and November. If you read my blog I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about it. I was extremely suicidal. I was seriously considering ending my life. My situation with my faith was a little different this time. I wasn’t mad at God but I thought there is no way He could ever love me. There’s no way I could be a Christian if I am struggling with these scary thoughts. I asked God to just kill me so everyone would be better off. Even after I was diagnosed with OCD is still wondered if my intrusive thoughts were a sin. I thought I should be able to make them go away but I couldn’t. I have learned intrusive thoughts are thoughts that you don’t want and you don’t choose. They do not make you a bad person. God loves me no matter what.
After I accepted the fact that I was diagnosed with OCD I wondered why God would let me go through such a horrible struggle. I knew He could take my OCD away if He wanted to and I wondered why He didn’t want to. I have learned that Jesus allows us to go through struggles to make us stronger. I didn’t like being suicidal. I don’t like having OCD. But I feel I am a stronger person because of it. I try to be open about being suicidal and having OCD. It is still hard for me to talk about in person but I hope my writing helps people who could be struggling with similar things. I am so thankful God helped me through that storm. I hope I will try to look for Him when my next storm comes.
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”- The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis