There are a lot of times when I feel weak in my life.  I have to remember it’s okay to be vulnerable.  I have gone through very difficult times that have helped become stronger.

“’Cause it makes me that much stronger.  Makes me work a little bit harder.  It makes me that much wiser.  So thanks for making me a fighter.”- Fighter by Christina Aguilera

Struggling with OCD can be difficult.  It was extremely difficult when it was undiagnosed.  I kept trying to make my intrusive thoughts go away which made them worse until I was eventually suicidal.  I thought I didn’t deserve to live.  My thoughts made me feel like a horrible person.  The partial hospitalization program helped me a lot.  After I was diagnosed with OCD I was (eventually) able to separate my intrusive thoughts from my personality.  It can still be difficult sometimes but it is so much better to have a diagnosis.  I normally don’t feel like a bad person anymore but sometimes I feel a little crazy.  My therapist told me, “You’re not crazy, you have anxiety.”  Apparently a lot of people with different anxiety disorders feel like they are crazy.  Probably because anxious thoughts are often very irrational.  If Dan is 15 minutes late home from work I will think, Oh, no he got in a car accident.  I know this is ridiculous but that’s how anxiety works.  If you struggle with anxiety you’re not crazy either.

Last year was the hardest year of my life.  I seriously thought about ending it. I sometimes feel guilty that I was going to leave my husband and son but when you are in such a deep depression you seriously think your loved ones would be better off without you.  Overcoming my suicidal ideation has made me much stronger in my life.  I have to remind myself that I am a fighter.  I am managing my OCD and depression.  I am strong.  I like writing but I’m still worried people will judge me.  I try not to care too much what people think of me but it can be very hard.  If you are struggling with suicidal ideation don’t be afraid to get help.  Your friends and family will not be better off without you.  Don’t give up.  You can be a fighter, too.

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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