Can I handle everything I’m going through?

Could I handle the storms I have been through?

Will I handle future storms that happen out of the blue?

Not on my own

I can’t do this alone

I need to place my hope in the Lord

And trust in His word

Why would God let me go through such a hard time?

I feel like the pain is only mine

Going through struggles makes me stronger in my faith

It reminds me of God’s amazing grace

I’m sorry for the pain you have been through

It helps to make a much stronger you

When I hear the song, Strong Enough by Matthew West it reminds me of my struggle with OCD.  I think about when I was suicidal and really didn’t think I was strong enough to keep living.  I wasn’t strong enough to keep living on my own.  I needed God, therapy, medication, and a great support system.  If Dan hadn’t been so supportive it would have been a much more difficult time for me.  I’m so glad God blessed me with such a wonderful husband.

“I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be.  I give up, I’m not strong enough.  Hands of mercy won’t you cover me.  Lord, right now I’m asking you to be strong enough, strong enough for the both of us.”- Strong Enough by Matthew West

I’m so happy God decided it wasn’t my time to leave this Earth yet.  He provided me with so many people to help me.  He provided me with a book on intrusive thoughts that made me realize I’m a normal(ish) person.  He provided me with the diagnosis of OCD that was helpful to recognize my thoughts as intrusive.  He provided me with a wonderful husband who took me to the emergency room.  He provided me with a great partial hospitalization program.  I have been blessed with a church and life group that recognize mental illness is a real thing and don’t just tell me to “pray it away.”  I do pray and I would still be okay with God healing me of my OCD but I also know he has provided me with therapy and medication that help with my OCD.

“Well maybe, maybe that’s the point, to reach the point of giving up.  ‘Cause when I’m finally at rock bottom.  Well, that’s when I start looking up and reaching out.”- Strong Enough by Matthew West

When I was diagnosed with OCD and seriously considering suicide it was one of the hardest times in my life.  I was also struggling with my faith.  I wondered how I could be a Christian if I have these horrible thoughts?  How can God love a horrible person like me?  When I finally accepted that I had a disorder and the intrusive thoughts were not my fault I wondered why God would let me go through this.  I prayed so much for God to heal me but He chose not to.  I wondered why He would let me go through such a hard time.  I’ve decided He let me go through this difficult time so I would rely on Him more.  Without my faith and hope in Christ I don’t know where I’d be.  I also feel God let me go through that difficult time to make me more appreciative of the good times.  I have loved the leaves this Fall more than I ever remember loving them before.  Maybe I’ll even be excited about Winter.  Okay, let’s not get crazy.  I also believe God has not taken away my OCD so I can help others who may be going through similar things.  It is hard for me to talk about but I want others to know there’s nothing wrong with you if you struggle with OCD or intrusive thoughts.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you struggle with depression, anxiety, or any mood disorder.  It might be hard to deal with on your own. God has helped me so much through my struggles.  Therapy and medication have also been very helpful to me.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  It is a sign of strength.

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”- Philippians 4:13 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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