I have really enjoyed reading The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson.  His writing is phenomenal.  It just makes me want to keep reading.  I, also really like how deep he goes into his character development.  With three of his main characters in this series he really seems to go into their mental health struggles and I find that very interesting.

“That man had welcomed death, but now-even on the bad days, when everything was cast in greys-he defied death.  It could not have him, for while life was painful, life was also sweet.”- Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson, p. 1094

This quote made me think of how badly I was struggling last year and how much easier it is for me to find joy in the little things now.  When I was suicidal I wouldn’t say I welcomed death but I thought it was the only way to end the pain.  I felt like I didn’t deserve to live.  Death seemed like the only way to stop the thoughts.  I felt like it was the only way to keep everyone safe from me.  I know now that was a lie.  I didn’t deserve to die.  I wasn’t a horrible person; I have a disorder.  You don’t deserve to die either.  No matter how much you hate yourself, there are people who love you.  You might think they would be better off without you but this is a lie.  Your loved ones would not be better off without you.  Even if you feel like you wouldn’t be missed, you will be.   I’m so thankful I got help.  If I had ended my life, I wouldn’t be in Dan and M.J.’s lives right now.  I wouldn’t be able to share my story to help other people who could be going through similar struggles.

I do still have bad days, though.  Living with Depression, Anxiety, and OCD is hard.  But I am fighting, I’m not going to let them win.  Even when I have bad days I remember how blessed I am.  I have a wonderful family.  I am blessed with medication and therapy.  I have a therapy lamp to help my mood when it starts getting cold.  I am also so thankful I started writing.  I feel like writing is wonderful therapy for me.  It has also helped with my self-esteem.  I still have doubts and worry I’m not good at anything but I (sometimes) think I am a decent writer.  And even if I’m not, it’s helpful for me.  I’m so thankful I’m part of a church and a life group who recognize Mental Illness as a real thing and don’t just tell me to “pray it away”.  I do believe prayer is very important, but therapy and medication are also important.  Don’t be ashamed to go to therapy or take medication.  It is no different than going to the doctor for any other illness.

Even though, I still have bad days I feel like almost dying has helped me to find joy in the little things.  M.J. can also be helpful with that http://www.snugglesandstruggles.com/index/php/category/joy.  I find joy just talking with my husband, or when the three of us spend time as a family.  I love cuddling on the couch and watching a movie or a show together.   I love watching M.J. learn and grow.  I’m so happy I decided to live.  I am so thankful God blessed with my wonderful life and my wonderful family.

“Even when I don’t see it You’re working, even when I don’t see it You’re working.  You never stop, You never stop working.”-  Waymaker by Leeland

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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  1. He never stops, HE NEVER STOPS WORKING! OH Thank God He’s a way maker…..He makes a way where there is no way! Halleluyah! ❤️💕

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