I, apparently am having a little trouble sleeping.  Sometimes, when I have trouble sleeping I feel like writing.  I think writing on a computer is probably counterproductive to helping me sleep but it does help with my anxiety.

I had a pretty stressful evening.  I had a virtual Friends of the Library meeting and Dan had to sleep because he’s working tonight.  I told him I would be okay watching M.J. during the meeting.  Of course, nothing went the way I’d planned.  A little bit after the meeting started M.J. told me he had to poop.  I was bringing him upstairs to the bathroom and he was complaining that his bottom was red.  I said, “You already pooped, didn’t you?”  And, oh boy, he did.  He had poop in his underwear, on his pants, on his legs.  I wiped him off with baby wipes and decided he really needed a bath.  Later when I was telling Dan this story, I said I had been needing to give M.J. a bath anyway.  Then I realized I never cleaned him with soap or a washcloth, I just set him in the bath.  I did put bubbles in it so maybe that counts for something?  He also told me he had to pee two times during his bath.  I was busy so I told him to just pee in the bath (horrible, I know) but he didn’t want to do that so I had to take him out of the bath to pee.  The second time he wasn’t paying attention and he peed all over the seat, his stool, and the floor.  So, needless to say, I was pretty distracted during the meeting.  I felt bad that I didn’t contribute very much.  I also sometimes feel anxious because I feel that I am not good at this kind of volunteer work.  I love reading, I love the library.  I don’t like talking to strangers and asking them to do things for the library.  I guess if I make myself do it more it will become easier.  Exposure therapy, right?

After the meeting was done I told M.J. to play while I cleaned up all the poop and pee.  After that, it was bedtime which is so much fun when you have a toddler.  When I finally put him to bed I decided to relax.  It was so nice to just lie on the couch and take deep breaths.  I feel like taking deep breaths can really help with anxiety.  It was nice to relax and pray.  I thanked God that M.J. went to sleep so I could have a little time to myself.

When I started trying to sleep I was feeling anxious again.  Maybe, partly because Dan isn’t here.  I don’t know why I hate sleeping by myself so much.  You’d think I’d be used to it by now.  And because so many things happened today I guess it is hard to turn off my brain.  I’m thinking I should probably clean the bathrooms better tomorrow.  And does M.J. need another bath?  I guess I’m also feeling discouraged.  Sometimes I’ll have thoughts that I’m not good enough.  I will think why am I not good at anything?  I know this is ridiculous but I guess I still struggle with low self-esteem sometimes.  It has gotten much better than it used to be but I still doubt myself all the time.  I guess this a part of having anxiety.

But, I need to remember I am good enough.  I am a good mom.  I am a good wife.  I am a good person.  God loves me no matter how I feel.  God loves you, too.  You are good enough.  We are good enough.

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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