I’ve started listening to Lauren Daigle’s music and I’ve noticed I really like a lot of her songs.  They remind me that God loves me and He is always there for me.

“I remember, I remember.  You have always been faithful to me.  I remember, I remember.  Even when my own eyes could not see.  You were there, always there.”- Remember by Lauren Daigle

This song reminded me that God is always with me.  There have been many times in the past where I have wondered, God, where are you?  What are you doing?  Why are you letting this happen?  But now I understand God was working in my life.  I was so mad at God when I couldn’t afford to keep going to college in Texas.  I had made so many good friends and I had no idea if I would ever be able to see them again.  Even though I only lived in Texas for a year, it was such a good experience.  I grew in my faith and learned about many different aspects of Christianity.  If I had been able to continue going to college in Texas I might have stayed in Texas after I graduated.  I am not a fan of Michigan weather; that was the whole reason I went to Texas in the first place.  If I had stayed in Texas I probably wouldn’t have met Dan.  If I hadn’t married Dan we probably wouldn’t have had M.J.  God knew what He was doing.  I am so glad He blessed me with my wonderful family.

When I was extremely suicidal I wondered why God was letting me go through such a hard time.   When I finally believed I had a disorder I asked God so many times to take it away.  I wondered why He didn’t take it away.  Why did He allow me to be in so much pain?  Was I being punished for my intrusive thoughts?  Maybe God wasn’t healing me because I wasn’t really sick and I secretly wanted those horrible thoughts.  I do have a disorder.  I don’t know for sure why God chose not to heal me.  I think he chose not to heal me so I could spread OCD awareness.  I had no idea I had OCD because I am definitely NOT a clean freak.  I know I’m not the only person who didn’t realize I had OCD.  I had never heard of intrusive thoughts before.  Intrusive thoughts are common in people who have General Anxiety as well.  If you struggle with intrusive thoughts you are not a bad person.  Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that you DON’T want and you DON’T choose.  They are not only about germs.  They can be about anything.

Examples of intrusive thoughts:

Sexual:  Fear of being sexual attracted to children, fear of being sexual attracted to animals, fear of being sexual attracted to relatives, fear of cheating on your partner, fear your partner is cheating on you

Harm: Fear of harming loved ones or children, fear you will kill others, fear you will use knives or other objects to harm others, fear you will poison food, thinking about pushing someone in front of a car, thinking of driving off the road

Religious/Moral:  Fear you are secretly a bad person, having blasphemous thoughts in a place of worship, constantly analyzing your faith

Health:  Being afraid you will die when you are perfectly healthy, obsessively worrying your children will get hurt

Unwanted memories:  Obsessing over mistakes you made in the past, worrying you did something you didn’t actually do

Those are examples of some common intrusive thoughts but they can be about anything.  They are very scary.  If you struggle with any of these remember you are not alone.  God loves you no matter what you are struggling with.  I didn’t like being extremely suicidal but I’m so glad God was with me.  He decided I wasn’t done on this Earth yet.  I was diagnosed with OCD and I got help for everything I was struggling with.  It can still be hard but I have not seriously thought about suicide in a very long time.  I also feel that I appreciate life more than I used to.  Just being in nature reminds me of how much God loves me.  Being silly with M.J. reminds me to always find joy in the little things.  I’m so glad God blessed me with more time on this Earth.  If you are struggling remember you are not alone.  You matter.  It is never a good day to end your life.  You are so loved.  You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.

Psalm 46:1 NLT “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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