The other day I was telling Dan I don’t have any compulsions and he asked isn’t that the C in OCD?  I said yes, but there’s also Purely Obsessive OCD where the person doesn’t have compulsions or they have mental compulsions.  He mentioned that I don’t like to touch doorknobs and asked if that was a compulsion.  I said I didn’t know.  I kind of thought it wasn’t because my intrusive thoughts aren’t normally about germs.  However; today I thought it probably is a minor compulsion so I should try to stop doing it.

Even though I am not that paranoid about most germs I am pretty paranoid about bathroom germs.  Most of it I think is fairly normal.  I think it is weird (and gross) to bring your phone in the bathroom while you are pooping.  I feel this is reasonable and something I am not going to start doing.  However; I have sometimes brought my phone in the bathroom to listen to music while I take a shower.  I have thought, maybe, it’s unsanitary, do I really want to do that?  But I figure it is okay to have my phone in the bathroom while I am showering so I try to overcome the anxiety.  I will not eat or drink in the bathroom.  I feel that this is reasonable.  But, some of my anxiety about the bathroom is probably not reasonable.  I don’t want to touch doorknobs (especially the bathroom one) because everyone doesn’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.  I don’t want nasty poop germs on my hands.  But I decided today I needed to start touching doorknobs again.  And, yes, I have anxiety about it. 

It is also confusing because we are in the middle of a pandemic.  How do I know the difference between being paranoid and being cautious?  I touched the doorknob at my house but when I went to pick up pizza I thought, I probably shouldn’t touch this doorknob, I don’t know how many people have touched it.  Maybe they have Covid.  I decided not touching that door handle was cautious but of course I am overthinking everything.   I am not really afraid of getting the Corona Virus.  I just don’t want to give it to anyone else. 

I am worried I will get sick because I touched the bathroom doorknob.  But, I used to never touch the bathroom doorknobs and I would still get sick sometime.  I need to get comfortable with the uncertainty.  Will I get sick?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I am telling myself it is healthy to have a little germs.  But then I think, But, not from the bathroom, gross.  I used my right hand to open the door and after that I tried to do most things with my left hand.  Then, I thought that kind of defeats the purpose.  I am currently typing with both of my hands and now I’m just wondering how many germs are on my laptop.  I guess this is a never-ending cycle.

I think if someone has Contamination OCD as their main theme touching doorknobs would cause them more anxiety.  It’s not my main theme and it is still causing me anxiety.  I have also been overanalyzing and overthinking.  I had a headache and I thought, am I getting sick?  Is it because I touched the doorknob?  Now I’m worried my anxiety is going to make me sick.  This is just a vicious cycle.  But I’m going to keep touching doorknobs.  Because I’m not going to let OCD control my life.  I am not my OCD.  I am not my Anxiety.  I am not my Depression.  I am strong.  I am a fighter.  I will keep going.  I will not give up.  You are strong, too.  Don’t give up.

“When you are going through hell. Keep on going. Never, never, never give up.”- Winston Churchill

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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  1. Girl! You ARE overthinking!! 😉 I’m picky about bathroom germs too..,.l would never consider taking food or eating in there….ick ick…ick! But touching anything in my home doesn’t bother me….I know the only person there, and he’s pickier than I am! 😂. However, in public places, I share your concern…..and try not to touch things…but I do wash my hands a lot and always carry a small sanitizer with me! After I do all I can, I trust in the Lord my God!! Psalms 91. And remind myself ,the joy of the Lord IS my strength! And He keeps me in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him. So, armed with all this truth, I don’t fear any evil, because I know who I am,in Christ Jesus! And I know Father God loves me and is for me, not against me! And He is an ever present help in time of need! Halleluyah!! Love you, Rachel!😍❤️❤️

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