The other day I was telling Dan I don’t have any compulsions and he asked isn’t that the C in OCD? I said yes, but there’s also Purely Obsessive OCD where the person doesn’t have compulsions or they have mental compulsions. He mentioned that I don’t like to touch doorknobs and asked if that was a compulsion. I said I didn’t know. I kind of thought it wasn’t because my intrusive thoughts aren’t normally about germs. However; today I thought it probably is a minor compulsion so I should try to stop doing it.
Even though I am not that paranoid about most germs I am pretty paranoid about bathroom germs. Most of it I think is fairly normal. I think it is weird (and gross) to bring your phone in the bathroom while you are pooping. I feel this is reasonable and something I am not going to start doing. However; I have sometimes brought my phone in the bathroom to listen to music while I take a shower. I have thought, maybe, it’s unsanitary, do I really want to do that? But I figure it is okay to have my phone in the bathroom while I am showering so I try to overcome the anxiety. I will not eat or drink in the bathroom. I feel that this is reasonable. But, some of my anxiety about the bathroom is probably not reasonable. I don’t want to touch doorknobs (especially the bathroom one) because everyone doesn’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. I don’t want nasty poop germs on my hands. But I decided today I needed to start touching doorknobs again. And, yes, I have anxiety about it.
It is also confusing because we are in the middle of a pandemic. How do I know the difference between being paranoid and being cautious? I touched the doorknob at my house but when I went to pick up pizza I thought, I probably shouldn’t touch this doorknob, I don’t know how many people have touched it. Maybe they have Covid. I decided not touching that door handle was cautious but of course I am overthinking everything. I am not really afraid of getting the Corona Virus. I just don’t want to give it to anyone else.
I am worried I will get sick because I touched the bathroom doorknob. But, I used to never touch the bathroom doorknobs and I would still get sick sometime. I need to get comfortable with the uncertainty. Will I get sick? Maybe. Maybe not. I am telling myself it is healthy to have a little germs. But then I think, But, not from the bathroom, gross. I used my right hand to open the door and after that I tried to do most things with my left hand. Then, I thought that kind of defeats the purpose. I am currently typing with both of my hands and now I’m just wondering how many germs are on my laptop. I guess this is a never-ending cycle.
I think if someone has Contamination OCD as their main theme touching doorknobs would cause them more anxiety. It’s not my main theme and it is still causing me anxiety. I have also been overanalyzing and overthinking. I had a headache and I thought, am I getting sick? Is it because I touched the doorknob? Now I’m worried my anxiety is going to make me sick. This is just a vicious cycle. But I’m going to keep touching doorknobs. Because I’m not going to let OCD control my life. I am not my OCD. I am not my Anxiety. I am not my Depression. I am strong. I am a fighter. I will keep going. I will not give up. You are strong, too. Don’t give up.
“When you are going through hell. Keep on going. Never, never, never give up.”- Winston Churchill