“You cleared a way in the wilderness. You brought me back from my brokenness. You took my shame and you buried it. What you’ve done I won’t forget.”- Greater Things by Mack Brock
When we sang this song at church on Sunday I was reminded of how God is always with me. I feel like this part of the song describes my struggle with OCD and suicidal ideation. I was extremely broken. I hated myself. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live. It was an extremely hard time in my life. I’m so thankful God blessed me with so many people in my life who care about me. He blessed me with a wonderful, understanding husband. He blessed me with the opportunity for intense therapy. He blessed me with medication. He blessed me with a wonderful church family and life group. Even though, I felt like I didn’t deserve God’s love, He showered me with it. I went through such a hard time; it’s still hard to even talk about it. But God knew I wasn’t done on this Earth yet. He provide me with people who helped save my life.
I’m so thankful God brought me back from my brokenness. I’m so thankful He buried my shame. Of course, I still feel broken and I still feel shame sometimes. But it is not as intense as it was before. I know my intrusive thoughts don’t make me a bad person. Intrusive thoughts just happen. Of course, it is normal to feel shame about them but it has been lessened quite a bit. I’ve finally accepted the fact that I have OCD. Intrusive, obsessive thoughts happen to people who have OCD. And yes, it sucks, but it doesn’t say anything about me as a person. It is also encouraging to know God has buried the shame from actual mistakes I have made. I think because I have OCD (or this could be a part of General Anxiety) I will obsess over mistakes I have made in the past. I still make mistakes every day. Sometimes I yell at my toddler. The other day I called him brat (to his face) and I felt so guilty. I mean, he was being bratty but I know it’s not okay to call my child names. However; I remember that God has forgiven all my sins. I’m not a perfect person but I have a perfect God. I need to remember to have grace with myself and my toddler.
My struggle with OCD has helped me grown stronger in my faith. It is so encouraging to know God loves me no matter what. I have tried to be somewhat open about my struggle with OCD so I can help people who may be going through similar things. If you struggle with intrusive thoughts remember they are intrusive. They don’t say anything about you as a person. If you are feeling suicidal don’t be afraid to get help. So many people struggle with suicidal ideation. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s important to ask for help. Remember, you are not alone. Coming so close to death has helped me be more thankful for what I have. I’m so thankful I have a wonderful family. I’m thankful I have so many friends who love and support me. I’m thankful for a wonderful relationship with Christ. I’m so thankful for sunshine. When I was extremely suicidal it was a horrible time in my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I’m so thankful it has helped me find joy in the little things.
“Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean! You will show us your faithfulness and unfailing love as you promise to our ancestors Abraham and Jacob long ago.”- Micah 7:19-20 NLT