Parenting is hard.  Parenting during a Pandemic is harder.  Parenting during a Pandemic with a mood disorder is even harder.  Sometimes things that happen can trigger depressive episodes.  A situation that occurred in my life recently made me sad and angry.  I think that combined with the 3-week Covid pause, and possibly the cold weather, have caused me to feel more depressed lately.

 I think one of the things I struggle with is how to express anger.  I think I have felt it is wrong to be angry.  However; it isn’t wrong to be angry about certain things.  Yes, I think we should try to be slow to anger, but if we think it is wrong to be angry we might not express our anger in a healthy way.   I don’t normally get angry easily, but there are certain things that cause me to get very angry.  I’ve been feeling guilty about my anger, but I have also been feeling sad.  I am not really sure what I’m feeling.  I think writing about my feelings is helpful for me.  I want to remind you it’s okay to be angry.  We just need to be able to express our anger in a healthy way.  It is not always easy to express your anger in a healthy way.  I hate confrontation, I hate any kind of conflict.  I don’t like fighting with people so if I’m mad I will often bottle it up.  I have gotten better at this in my marriage, but I think I still need to work on how to handle my anger in other situations. 

“So when I fight I’ll fight on my knees.  With my hands lifted high.  Oh God, the battle belongs to You.  And every fear I lay at Your feet.  I’ll sing through the night.  Oh God, the battle belongs to You.”- Battle Belongs by Phil Wickham

I think part of the reason I’m angry is because I’m hurting.  I’m hurting for myself and for someone very close to me.  I don’t understand how people can be so unloving.  It makes me very angry when people are unloving in the name of Jesus.  I believe this is one reason a lot of people have turned away from the Christian faith.  Of course, no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes.  But part of being a good example is humbling yourself and admitting your mistakes.   It can be hurtful when people are mean to you and belittle you.  It can hurt that the person doesn’t even realize how much pain they have caused and are causing.  Remember, God loves you no matter what.  No matter how others make you feel.  If people tell you that you are not a good Christian because you feel it is important to show love to everyone, you don’t need to worry about what they think; what’s important is what God thinks.  God knows your heart.  God also knows their heart.  God loves you no matter what.  He wants a relationship with you.  He desires a relationship with you.  I thought my relationship with Christ was improving quite a bit lately.  But this recent encounter has left me sad and confused.  I mean, I know my relationship can always be improved, but I’ve been feeling sad and angry.  Then, I worry I am being selfish.  This person has hurt other people a lot worse than me.  I should be comforting them, not worrying about myself.  I really have no idea what God wants me to do in this situation and it is very confusing.  It is causing me lots of anxiety.  I want to keep growing closer to Jesus, but I know I can never be perfect so it is hard. 

“But the voice of truth tells me a different story.  The voice of truth says, ‘Do not be afraid!’  The voice of truth says, ‘This is for My glory’.  Out of all the voices calling out to me.  I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.”- Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

I believe it is important to remember God’s voice is the one that matters.  God’s voice is the voice of truth.  God loves you no matter what.  No matter how others have made you feel, God loves you.  If you already struggle with feeling unlovable it can make you feel even worse when other people make you feel that way.   I used to hate myself.  Therapy, medication, my relationship with God, and encouraging Christian friends have helped me start to love myself again, but it is still a struggle.  It can be so frustrating when you feel like you’re at a very good point in your life and someone just makes you feel horrible.  Thankfully, because I have been working on myself, I haven’t gone back to the point of hating myself, but I have been feeling very down.

Because I have been feeling depressed and exhausted, I haven’t felt like playing with M.J. that much.  Then I feel guilty that I don’t feel like playing with him.  He seems to be clingier lately, also.  He will ask me to play with him all day long, but sometimes I just don’t have the strength.  Then, I of course, am more critical of myself because I feel like a bad mom for not wanting to play with my kid.  Therapy and talking with other moms has also helped me realize I am a good mom.  I’m not a perfect mom because perfect moms don’t exist.  I love my kid and he loves me.  I need to remember to have grace with myself.  I need to remember it’s okay to be angry.  I just need to work on expressing my anger in a healthy way.  It’s normal to feel more depressed right now.  None of us expected to parent during a Pandemic.  It is very hard.  I know many people have been struggling with Anxiety, Depression, and the feeling of isolation.  That, of course, makes parenting even harder.  It makes life even harder.  It’s okay to struggle.  It’s normal to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.  God loves you.  I love you.  Remember to have grace with yourself.  

Anger, sadness, love, hate

Do these feelings all equate?

I’m feeling so very mad

Then it changes to feeling sad

How can people be so mean?

Do I need a different scene?

How do I stop this anger and sadness

Without it being utter madness?

Writing what I’m feeling

Is helpful for my healing

I really hope this poem

Helps you know you’re not alone

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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