This afternoon, I played outside with M.J. for a little bit.  He didn’t want to play outside for very long because it was cold and windy.  While we were playing, I thought to myself, whenever I feel like a bad mom, I should remember that I often force myself to play with my son outside in the cold even though I hate it.  Parenting is hard; I can often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing as a mom.  I feel like M.J. is very clingy lately, but I don’t want to play with him all day, every day.  I will also notice him acting up and then think, is it because I didn’t play with him enough today?  Maybe I should play with him right now… but I don’t want to play with him right now, he’s being a brat.

It has probably been more difficult to parent lately because we are grieving the loss of our dog.  When I took a walk this morning, I was wishing Jake was with me.  I also realized I didn’t give him a hug before we dropped him off at the vet’s office.  I told Dan I wished I had given him one last hug.  Because of Covid we weren’t allowed to go in with Jake at the vet’s office.  We waited in our car and they took Jake in.  When the vet told us he should be able to remove the growth, I thought we’d definitely see him again the next day.  They kept him overnight so they could do the surgery the next day.  When Dan called me to ask what decision we should make, I was helping M.J. in the bathroom.  I was trying to talk to Dan on the phone and M.J. was not being a good listener.  It was a difficult moment in parenting and life.  It has been difficult because M.J. keeps asking about Jake, “Can I give Jakey a treat?”  “Where’s Jakey?”  We’ve told him, “Jakey died.”  “His body stopped working.”  “He’s all gone.”  He doesn’t seem to understand, but I am wondering if he understands a little bit.  Is he being clingier because he’s missing Jake?  Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s missing Jake, but he is.  It has been a pretty stressful time for our family lately.  I’m so excited to celebrate Christmas with M.J. this year because he seems very excited about it.  However; I’m also sad Jake won’t be with us.  I know we will be missing him on Christmas morning, but we can remember all the Christmases we had with him. 

Do you ever feel like you’re not a good parent? I think it helps to think about everything you do for your child.  I know many of us do things we don’t like because it makes our children happy.  I play outside in the cold with M.J. because he likes to play outside.  I cook him dinner so he doesn’t starve (although he doesn’t always eat it which is frustrating).  I play different games with him even if I think they are very silly. I also wipe his butt after he poops so I’d say I’m a pretty good mom.  You’re a good mom, too.  Or a good dad.  If you love your children and you show them you love them, then you are a good parent.  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Our kids also make mistakes.  Just because they don’t always listen doesn’t mean you are parenting wrong, it means they are human. You are human, too.  Do the best you can.  No one is perfect.  You’re a good mom.  You’re a good dad.  Your kids love you even if they don’t always show it.

I wish I’d given you one last hug

I hope you knew how much you were loved

I wish we’d taken one more walk

Could we please turn back the clock?

I wish today was yesterday, too

I wish we had one more day with you

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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