Have you ever looked in a mirror

And wondered why you are here?

Have you looked at your face with disgust

And wondered if you should just

Kill yourself?

Wanting to be someone else

Hating the face you see

Feeling so ugly

Wishing to be 20 pounds thinner

Thinking will I ever look like her?

Mirrors sometimes tell us lies

You are definitely a prize

We are all works of art

But what matters is your heart

The other day when M.J. was playing he said something about looking in the mirror and it made me think of this poem.  I was thinking about how people can get very depressed.  How we can look in the mirror and wonder why we look the way we do.  There are certain things I don’t like about my looks, but I have decided to start focusing on the things I do like about myself.  I have a nice smile, I have pretty, curly hair (even if it has started turning gray), and I have pretty eyes.  I’m also a loving, caring person which I would consider a very good quality.  And, I think being kind is more important than being pretty.  Have you struggled with low self-esteem?  Maybe, you have struggled with comparing yourself to others.  Maybe you have been bullied in the past.  Maybe you were even abused.  If any of these things happened to you, it was not your fault.  You deserve to be loved.  You are loved.  It’s okay to love yourself.

“You get reminded what a sack of sh** you are five times a day, after a while, you can’t believe anyone could ever love you.”- Instant Family

The other day I watched the movie, Instant Family.  I thought it was very well done, but it was very emotional to watch.  One of the children the parents adopt is a teenager and they are worried she hates them.  She doesn’t hate them, she has just had a very hard life.  Even though her adoptive parents are loving she doesn’t understand how anyone could love her.  Maybe you have felt like this in your life.  Maybe, you were also in foster care.  Maybe you were treated poorly.  Maybe you had loving parents, but their marriage didn’t work out.  Maybe you grew up in a loving family, but you still struggle with Depression or Anxiety, or any other Disorder.

I grew up in a loving family; I have often wondered why I would be depressed.  It’s okay to be blessed and struggle with Depression; you don’t need to feel guilty about it.  I felt guilty about my Depression for a long time.  I thought, I shouldn’t be depressed, so many people have it worse.  It is possible to have a good life and also have a chemical imbalance in your brain.  It’s possible to have low self-esteem even if you haven’t been bullied or abused.  It is possible to have Body Dysmorphic Disorder- a disorder where you think you are extremely ugly- even though you look like a supermodel (I don’t have this, but it is fairly common).  If you are struggling with your looks, I want to tell you that you are beautiful.  Also, what really matters is what’s in your heart.  If people have bullied you, it says nothing about you and everything about them.  Maybe, they are struggling with something and are taking it out on other people.  I’m not saying this is an excuse, but a reason to not take everything personally.  Of course, I have a problem with this.  I care way too much what people think about me.  I will overthink conversations I had and think, why did I say that? Is that person mad at me?  If someone flips me off on the highway, I definitely take it too personally.  Why do they hate me?  I’m already often anxious when I’m driving anyway.  Remember, it doesn’t matter what others think of you, what matters is what God thinks of you.  Yes, we should be kind and try to better ourselves, but no matter what you do, there will be people who don’t like you.  Some people are jerks.  Be the best person you can be and remember God loves you no matter what you look like.

“They judge me before they even know me.  That’s why I’m better off alone.”- Shrek

You could be struggling with any mental illness or chronic illness.  Last year I was diagnosed with OCD; I was seriously thinking about suicide.  I’d been having scary, intrusive thoughts for ten years, but they became obsessive.  I would try to repress them and it made them much worse.  I felt like I was a horrible person.  I thought the only way to keep myself from hurting someone was to kill myself.  I’m so happy I got the medication and therapy I needed.  I’m so excited I get to celebrate Christmas with my family this year.  Coming so close to dying has reminded me to find joy in the little things.  I’m a little disappointed this Christmas is different because of Covid, but I’m so glad I’m here for it.  I’m so excited to celebrate Christmas with M.J. this year.  Since he is 3 this year, I think he will be very excited about it.  He’s already started getting excited which makes me excited, too.

If you are struggling with any mood disorder, I want to remind you that you are not alone.  If you are struggling with low self-esteem, you are not the only one.  But, remember, you are beautiful.  God made you on purpose for a purpose.  If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts don’t be afraid to get help.  If you need to talk to someone, I am here.  No matter what you are struggling with, you are not the only one.  You are beautiful.  You are worthy.  You are loved.

“I like you.  I like you.  I like you just the way you are.”- Mr. Rogers

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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