Lately, I have been so encouraged when I remember how much God loves me.  He doesn’t care what mistakes I’ve made.  He doesn’t care that I have Depression, Anxiety, and OCD.  He doesn’t care that I constantly doubt myself as a mother.  He loves me no matter what.

“Oh my God so good, You never give up. You never give up on me.  Oh, what joy I’ve found because of Your love, because of Your love for me.”- God so Good by Life.Church Worship

When we sang this song at church on Sunday I was reminded of how much God loves me.  God didn’t give up on me even when I was ready to give up on myself.  When I hated myself so much, He provided me with intense therapy and a diagnosis of OCD.  I was seriously considering suicide because I didn’t think I deserved to live.  I was having obsessive, scary, intrusive thoughts.  I was worried I was going to hurt someone; I thought I needed to kill myself before I did.  I was able to go to a partial hospitalization program where I learned I am not a monster; I have OCD.  Of course, this is not always easy to accept.  I have been doing very well lately, but it is the same as any disorder; there are good and bad days.

I have been doing well lately because I have found many different things that help with my OCD and Depression.  Trying to get fresh air every day makes me feel good.  Writing is also very helpful for me.  I am so thankful I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who is so caring and understanding.  He loves me and helps me when I am struggling.  He’s a wonderful father and he spends quality time with M.J.  This morning before Dan went to work, the three of us had a pillow fight together; it was so much fun.  M.J. is so silly, I laughed a lot during our pillow fight.

I’m extremely thankful for my friends.  I have a lot of friends who are very encouraging and listen if I need to talk.  My friends who are moms are honest about their parenting struggles.  I think it is extremely important to be honest about our struggles.  I thought I was the only mom who struggles with parenting, but all moms struggle.  Not all moms struggle with the same thing, but all moms struggle with something.  It’s okay to get overwhelmed with parenting.  Especially during a Pandemic.  So many moms have told me they are struggling to have their kids do virtual school.  I mean, what young kid wants to do virtual school instead of running around like a crazy person?  Not many.  I’m so thankful M.J. is not in school.  Although, I’m hoping everything is figured out by fall so he can go to preschool.  I know he would really like preschool and it would help him get ready for Kindergarten.  Also, I wouldn’t mind have a couple hours to myself. 

I also want moms to know it’s okay if you don’t fall in love with your baby right away.  I heard from so many people how in love they were with their baby right after they had them.  I did not feel this way.  I thought, what is wrong with me?  I was not diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression, but I’m guessing I probably had it.  My labor with M.J. did not go well, I lost a lot of blood and they didn’t let me breastfeed right away because I was too weak.  Dan fed M.J. a bottle the first night, but he didn’t really want to take a bottle either so he was crying a lot.  I remember trying to sleep because I was so weak and exhausted and I thought, why doesn’t that baby shut up?  Then I felt like a horrible person, I was supposed to love my baby as soon as I popped (yeah right) him out.   I thought I made a mistake; I’m not meant to be a mom, but that wasn’t true.  I had a difficult labor and the newborn stage was very difficult for me.  That didn’t mean I wasn’t meant to be a mom; it just meant it was harder than I had ever imagined it would be.  God chose me to be M.J.’s mother and I’m so glad I’ve been blessed with him.  It did take me a while to fall in love with him, but I love him so much.  You are a not a bad person if you struggle to love your baby right away.

No matter what you are struggling with right now, God will never give up on you.  He loves you so much.  He loves you no matter what you have gone through.  I’m so thankful He decided I wasn’t done on this Earth yet. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to spread OCD awareness and let people know they’re not alone.  I’m so thankful I am here to tell people suicide is not the answer.  You are not worthless, you are not horrible.  You are loved.  It’s never a good time to end your life.  I’m so thankful I’m able to be an encouragement to other moms.  If anyone is struggling, it’s okay.  Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.  You are so loved.

“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him.  This is real love- not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” 1st John 4:9-10 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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