I have been struggling with knowing what to write on my blog lately.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I’ve been too busy or M.J. has been too clingy.  Sometimes it can be hard to find time to write.  Then, when I have time my mind is blank.  However; I watched the IF Gathering at a friend’s house the other day and there were so many things that spoke to me (the IF Gathering is an online Christian women’s conference).

At one point while they were having a discussion someone said, “you can’t be all things to all people all the time.”  I definitely needed to hear this.  I personalized it and told myself, “I can’t be all things to all people all the time.”  It was interesting because I had just asked the women I was with, “how do I know if I’m doing enough?” I feel like God is calling me to do everything.  I feel like I need to help anyone who needs help; volunteer for every volunteer opportunity; give everyone money.  Clearly, this is not possible.  People have reminded me that if I try to do everything I won’t be able to do my best.  I need to focus on just a few things.  But, how do I know what that is?  People have told me to figure out what my gifts are and use those.  I guess helping people is one of my gifts, but that is pretty broad.  Maybe writing is one of my gifts, but I sometimes doubt my writing ability.  I guess I am pretty good at encouraging others.  Let’s see how I can use these gifts.

It can be difficult because I care so deeply for people. Whenever I see anyone hurting, I want to help them.  If I know someone is struggling with something, I want to let them know they’re not alone.  I hope sharing my story of being suicidal and being diagnosed with OCD has been helpful for some people.  I hope so, or else I just shared all my personal problems for no reason.

I want everyone to know it’s okay if you struggle with a mood disorder.  Mental illnesses are the same as physical illnesses and you don’t need to be ashamed of them.  If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, or OCD, I can relate.  You can always talk to me if you need someone to talk to.  If you struggle with other things I am also available to talk, but I won’t pretend I know what you’re going through.  Whatever, you’re struggling with, you are not the only one.  There are people going through similar struggles.  This is why I have decided to share some of my struggles, to let others know they’re not alone. 

I thought I was the only one who struggled with my theme of intrusive thoughts.  I didn’t even realize they were intrusive thoughts, I thought I was a horrible person.  When I was diagnosed with OCD, I learned other people struggle with OCD and other people have the same theme as me.  Of course, people with OCD constantly doubt themselves.  A doctor diagnosed me, but maybe I’m faking it.  Maybe I really am a horrible person.  It can be helpful to learn other people are struggling with the same thing as you.  If you are feeling suicidal, you are not the only one.  Please, get help if you need it.  Your friends and family WOULD NOT be better off without you.  I thought I would be doing Dan and M.J. a favor if I killed myself, but that was not true.  I am not a horrible person, I have a disorder.  I’m so thankful God saved me from myself.  I learned God loves me no matter what.  He doesn’t care that I have OCD; He knew it wasn’t my time to go.  I’m so thankful I am able to share my story and hopefully help other people who are struggling.  I know I can’t be everything to everyone all the time, but I hope I can help at least one person.  If my story helps one person who is struggling that would be amazing.  No matter what you are struggling with, God loves you.  If you need help, don’t be afraid to go to therapy or take medication if you need it.  I love you.  God loves you.  You matter.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.” Song of Songs 4:7 NLT

Published by rachel.ermutlu@gmail.com

Christian. Wife. Mom. I just want to share my journey of motherhood and let struggling moms know they're not alone. I enjoy reading, playing board games, spending time with friends and family, and volunteering in the community.

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